Again

It’s time to write again. The hurt, the triumphs, the work it takes to bridge the gap. It’s true, I’ve lived a melancholy life. I’m trying to do something different. My future has lied to me; it has hurt me, twisted me into mystifying, excruciating shapes. But I want to reclaim some land, some space for myself. I want to find happiness among a body and a mind that fight against such optimistic notions.

I want to understand worth and meaning. I want to find and hold the light. I want to find magic. It’s ridiculous. It’s obscene. And I don’t care. I need it, I yearn for it so deeply – it is no different than the air I breathe.

It’s not ridiculous or obscene, even though if you lived what I have lived you may believe it surely was. I believe in kindness and caring toward myself even though my experience has told me I am not worthy of that. My experiences tell me I am worthy of pain and suffering and heartache. What if the bravest, most audacious thing I can do for myself is be kind and patient and brave and steady? A slow hand nudging me along toward love.

That’s all I can hope for. Love. For that, I am willing to walk through hell and high water. For love. Always love.

I may not live a long life. Let’s be honest, I probably won’t. But for now, while I’m here, I’m here for love. Here for love. Always here for love.

Give ‘Em Hell

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Cindy Cunningham says:

    Katie! I’ve been following you for a long time. We met on a flight from Mpls. When you were first diagnosed. You are strong and vulnerable and sensitive to it all. You have the strength to center yourself and raise your daughters to find their true selves. Just love life!

    Like

  2. Heather Watts says:

    I love and appreciate your incredible strength and honesty. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, vulnerable self.

    Like

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