Hold On To Yourself

This chapter in my life is about self-discovery. I didn’t see it coming, but here it is, a full on wave of curiosity. A yearning to be creative and free from things that no longer fit me.

I‘m going to sit on the ground and feel the grass brushing the palms of my hands – something electric and alive from the earth making its way through those tiny tendrils into my heart and soul. I want to strip it all down, pull off all the layers of guilt and shame and let it fly away in the wind of my wild spirit.

I want to release myself from expectations and learn how to deeply, truly love. I want to love in a way that only happens in the space created by true forgiveness. The kind of love that surfaces after I have battled and gnashed my teeth at my imperfections for decades. The kind of love that arrives when I finally surrender to the awesome beauty that lies behind those fragile walls.

I want to wring out all the hate and sadness and anger that I have tucked away in the deep recesses of my heart. The kind I have stored away for a rainy day. The kind I can pull out to defend myself in the event I let someone close enough to love, and ultimately hurt, me.

I want to stand face to face with my fear. I want to scream at it for robbing me of sleep and peace of mind and freedom. I want to go nose to nose and challenge it to knock me over. Fists clenched, feet firm on the ground, I will dare it to even try to steal one more hour from me. Then I will watch it shrink into a shriveled nothing.

I want to scoop up that sad little girl whose feelings are hurt. I want to brush her hair back and gently rock with her in my arms. I want to sing her to sleep and put her to bed knowing that she is safe and eternally loved.

I want to make peace with the wrinkles and blemishes and the lost pieces of me. I want to rest easy with the scars and ripples that came in the wake of children and time and disease. I want to smile at the woman I see in the mirror, greeting her as I would an old, dear friend.

I want to give away love and money and kindness, for scarcity shall no longer live here. I want to be present in all of my moments, curious about what hurts and welcoming to the pain of growth. I will strive for patience and tenderness when holding my own heart so I can be trusted to hold the hearts of others.

Give ‘Em Hell

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