With my word of the year being “heal” I’m spending time investing in myself both physically and emotionally. It’s already been quite a ride.

I started counseling two weeks ago. This week was my second appointment and even though I was afraid, I went anyway. I feel like it’s already making big changes in my life.

First, I have to say therapy hurts like hell. It cracks me open and exposes pain that is decades old. Things I would have never thought were consequential turn out to be major life events. I’ve been carrying around hurt like a hoarder, it seems, and it’s time to clean house.

As uncomfortable as I am at the time (and in those oh-so-disorienting moments after my session is over) I am really grateful for the pain. I have already learned that I struggle mightily with feelings of worthiness and its evil twin not-feeling-enough-ness.

I can simultaneously feel like I am too much and too little. Holding space for that dichotomy is a real skill, I think. Like Goldilocks, I haven’t quite found that “just right” place without disrupting everyone else’s preverbal bliss. And yeah, I’m okay with that.

I’m also learning that I am sort of clunky in my mothering. (To be fair, I think most of us are.) It is hard to give someone something you don’t have.

I am already feeling the shift though. I have spent more truly relaxed time with Elle today than I have in months. I feel like my love has been unblocked, it’s flowing a bit more steadily now. The drought is coming to an end. I’m finding new love for myself and for her. It’s a Godsend and I feel so much relief.

So here we are, snuggling and playing together. We are dreaming, talking about what we like and what we hope for. She’s an awesome kid who is deserving of the mother I am becoming. I’m really excited for both of us and for what our future together holds.

Give ‘Em Hell