True to my promise to myself that this year would be about healing, I took two big steps toward my goal. I worked out for the first time in several months, a task that required a lot of bravery and a bit of patience with myself. I also went to my first counseling appointment in years. It is there that I am teaching myself about pain, discomfort, hope and joy.

The opposite of pain is not a life devoid of it. It is not a lack of pain. It is a life that makes room for pain. It is a soul that creates space for pain, and holds it reverently. It is about learning to become comfortable being uncomfortable. Fortunately for me, I have experience here.

I am not in search of total zen, I am not searching for an absence of pain. I am searching for a healing that helps me honor my pain and allows me to engage with it when and how I want to. It is a life about kindness and forgiveness for myself and others. It is a life that choses to let pain serve me, rather than choosing to labor under the false beliefs and assumptions pain stirs up.

Hope and joy will be noticed. They will be curated. They will be selected to live alongside pain and to find harmony with grief. Hope is a choice. It is a gift. It is investment in loving kindness and it bears grace and patience.

In 2020, I am choosing all the feelings and making time and space for them as and when appropriate. I have a lot to learn. I need a lot of practice. I am okay being an awkward beginner. I will be kind. I will be patient. And I will love. A lot.

Give ‘Em Hell