I said goodbye to a dear, sweet friend today.

I’ve cried so hard, I’ve worried another breath wouldn’t find me.

This is what it feels like to leave a piece of my heart with someone I love. Her death brought my own painful tearing and ripping apart. Deep, permanent wounds remain.

To say she loved me is hardly fair. She took care of me, she nurtured me, she mothered me. She walked beside me during my hardest days. The depth of her love was just as fierce as the way she unabashedly shared it.

I want to close my eyes and open them to a world where she is still here. And yet, I’m terrified to close my eyes and be confronted by the pain that threatens to swallow me whole. It’s a nightmare that is closing in.

There is sorrow beneath my skin. But I’m not forgetting about the glory of our world. This is the time to watch the sun dance on the river. Time to gaze at lazy clouds as they pass so far above.

Forgive me this pain. I need to create a vessel to hold us both- pain and me- until we no longer threaten each other.

Tonight, I am held in Tom’s arms. I know he is sincere and it is a deeply moving moment. We’ve never been able to find each other in our grief before, but there we stood, hand in hand, as I cried into his chest.

We found each other in this inhospitable landscape. As much as this hurts, and it hurts so very much, at least he is here with me. He’s letting me hurt. He’s sharing his own hurt. I am learning that we are still capable of so much beauty in our lives together. I see that now and I am so grateful.

I won’t try to block it out. I’m just going to wait patiently for time to wash through this ache and sadness.

Until then, I’ll be holding his hand.

Give ‘Em Hell