Hot and Heavy

It is super hot facing the sun on a cloudless day in Bozeman. I’m sitting on the sidelines watching Elle warm up before her game.

As I staked out a spot to sit among the open fields there is no shade for half a mile in either direction. Within minutes I’m regretting my decision to wear jeans, although really, I’ve never been much of a shorts person. I’d describe myself as more of a uncomfortable person than appropriately dressed person.

What it is with deciding fat people can’t wear weather appropriate clothes? Specifically, why can’t we dress for the heat? Why is it that when I was a size 8, I’d wear shorts confidently, but now that I’m an 18, I don’t even own a pair?

I obviously know why. But let’s be clear, 90 pounds makes a person a LOT hotter than living lighter.

As I set up my folding chair, I noticed a woman wearing a similar tank top to mine- only hers is a size small vs. my xxl. I am wearing mine underneath my second shirt, more as a way to smooth out my stomach and cover whatever melting monstrosity is currently happening on my chest.

My “temporary” breast expanders that were installed to make space for a final reconstruction surgery have been living with me for 2.5 years now. Over time they have slowly slide sideways and down. Of course, completely unevenly. My chest, therefore, resembles a melting candle these days. So sexy.

I glanced at the trim woman’s well-defined triceps and her slim collar bone. Self doubt and shame crept in. But then, a louder voice took over. A firmer, less bullshit-prone strength bubbled up. It’s hot, I decided. I’m not doing this.

So, I lost the top layer. I took it off and tossed it aside. That was that. I’m now way more comfortable one layer down and a few clicks of insecurity lower.

Now I’m going to focus on the game. I’m going to watch my little big girl play her heart out. It’s not about me, you know, it’s about her. I know the work I do on my nutrition and in the gym are going to help me be here for her for a long time.

I can honestly say that given all my hard work these days, I’m feeling confident. I know I don’t look like I used to, but I am so much stronger and I feel so much better. It’s never going to be full on defeat, it’s always going to be about effort and consistency. I’m doing my best, and win or lose, we are both in the game today.