When I was sick, I begged for answers. I needed my pain to have meaning. I needed to know I was living for a reason.
I knew then, and I know now, that the life I was living was incomplete. I had failed to focus on what brought me joy. I had failed to spend my energy pursuing love and connection. I chased whatever was out ahead of me in order to fill the emptiness inside me.
When I was sick, I was desperate for answers. I’ve now reached the point where I am no longer desperate. Instead, I am resolute. I know what I want my life to look like and I’m no longer afraid of pursuing it.
I know now that if I don’t reach my goals, it will not make me a smaller person. I will always be bigger for having tried. Failure may come, but it will not deter me from the pursuit.
It takes courage to push forward with faith and confidence when failure is clearly on the line. But what is failure anyway? Is it feeing embarrassed for missing the mark? It is feeling the loss and sting of a dream not realized?
If failure comes, and I fall on my face in front of everyone who is watching, I don’t mind. I am not living this dream for anyone else. No one else can take my place in my casket when I die. I am living this dream for myself and for those whose love is unquestioned in my life. It is a short, but powerful list.
Dreaming has always been the sincerest part of my soul. I need to dream and create. It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I would sit for hours listening to or playing music, dreaming up stories and feeing deeply. At eight-years-old, I would get lost in my fantasies.
I still do. My dreaming now encourages me to find my place in this world and have an impact. It’s the only way I can imagine living a fulfilling life.
I am no longer afraid. I am no longer desperate. I finally have the faith and the energy to pursue whatever dreams may come. If nothing else, I want to teach my children to find their own brilliance in this world and to stake a claim in it.
Everyone has a story and that story matters. Including me.
Give ‘Em Hell