I love my messy house.

There are baby toys strewn at odd angles around the living room floor. There is a white wig on the chair. A pair of small, silver shoes is perched on the hutch in the kitchen. Every countertop is littered with plates and food and toys and findings from a recent shopping trip.

Normally, such clutter would distract me. It would bother me and I would fee chaotic and messy inside. Normally, I would need organization and tidiness to feel calm and peaceful.

Today, this last day of 2018, the mess reminds me I am surrounded by people I love. I am sharing my house with nine people, one dog and a hamster and I am brimming to the top with love and gratitude for this life.

The mess reminds me I am still here. I am still alive to see another year wind down and to celebrate as a new one bursts onto the scene. I am here to witness the hope and aspiration that comes with all new beginnings. I am here to let the sentiment and closure of the past wash over me as I release it like a tiny model sailboat onto the ocean.

I am still here- A message that acutely rings in my ears with increasing intensity the closer I get to midnight. Disease still fills my life, stealing young friends and waging war on older ones. I am never far from that precarious cliff, it seems. But I still keep opening my heart to new warriors and survivors alike because this tribe is the best tribe and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I will carry all those I have loved and all those I have lost with me as I forge a more resilient me in this new year. I walk forward with so much strength and courage, deep lessons for which I have paid a steep price. This year will be about redemption. It will be the year I become whole again. It is my time to recover, regroup, and rise.

Even though I should be sleeping, and normally I would be fussing about being awake at such an inconvenient hour, I know I was meant for this moment. I was meant to look around this home and be moved to stillness by the joy and profound sentiment I have for this day.

I am exactly where I need to be at this time: surrounded by love, inspired by faith, and fueled by gratitude.

Give ‘Em Hell