Bigger Than This

I did it. I completed a week of surfing and growth in Hawaii. If you had told me all the amazing physical accomplishments I would tick off this week, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here I am, living proof that we are only as strong as we let ourselves believe.

I’ve let myself believe that I am fragile. I have let myself believe that I am weak. The truth is, I am neither of these things. I am sporting the bruises and have tackled the waves to prove it.

Not only did I manage to stand up on a surfboard, I was also able to catch my own wave. I was able to paddle HARD into a swell of water and gain enough momentum to ride that fantastic crest. It’s a big deal. It takes a lot of energy to tango with the ocean, and I proved over and over again that I am a worthy advisory.

It is hard to sum up what this means to me. Part of me knows that I let myself be fragile so that Tom will take care of me. His care-taking washes over me, reminding me that I am safe and loved by the man I have chosen to spend my life with. It’s created a cycle that is scary to step beyond. If I can be self-sufficient, I ask myself, how will I know I am loved?

The answer is, of course, to trust. I have to trust that he loves me. I have to trust the 14 years we have been together. I have to trust that I will survive this. I have to trust myself and let that trust be bigger than the fear.

That is no small feat, but I think I am up for the task. I think I can take this wave, and learn to live in the delicate harmony that is comfort and discomfort. I can push myself to new heights while reminding myself that I am safe and loved just as I am, just where I am.

It is hard to trust when the whole bottom has fallen out again and again. But I can be bigger and braver than this. I can dig deep and find that well of courage that has brought me to this epic place. I am stronger than I thought, and I am ready fir whatever comes next.

Give ‘Em Hell

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