A Chosen Battle

I am starting my day with yet another attempt to get my physical body back in control. I can blame it on cancer or pregnancy or damaged lungs but really, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I am way out of shape, my energy is still quite low, I can’t dress in normal clothing sizes and clearly, I have a lot of work to do.

Let’s not be confused though, recognizing I have a long journey ahead of me does not mean I’m talking down about myself. It doesn’t really matter what came before- I can’t change that. It matters what I do next. Observing and speaking directly about the facts doesn’t make me feel ashamed. It gives me courage to know that I can be brave in the truth of where I am starting. To that end, I’ll just spit it out:

I weigh 265 pound and I plan to lose around 100 of that.

Okay, so writing the numbers gives me a bit of a panic. In my mind, you are assigning a lot of reasons on me for this “failure.” You are thinking I’m a slob or that I have no self control. You are thinking there is something deeply wrong with me and that only skinny people have their stuff together so I must be a total mess. I fill in your unspoken judgment in my mind and it seeps down. It feels awful. My own voice adds to the chorus of negativity.

But, this is something I must step away from and take control over. To be successful depends on rewriting that narrative. The judgment exists for now, but I’m just going to calmly stand here, observe that, and let it go.

Part of taking back my power is to be honest about where I am and fight for a better future. I can be honest about the details without ascribing something more to them. Being this heavy doesn’t mean I am lazy or weak or crazy or unworthy. For me, it means shit got hard and my body was under attack and for reasons both physical and emotional I couldn’t fight back. I made choices- most of them based on survival and attending to everything else- to get to where I am today. And now I have the capacity to address this issue, too.

This will be tough for me. I have a LONG way to go and it’s going to be easy to get discouraged. For one, I do not like feeling hot as it has always made me feel fat (even at age 7), so the summer is always difficult for me. Second, my body is not really a human shape (more on that later) so not being able to hide under some layers makes me feel extra exposed. I’m going to have to repeatedly come to the well of resilience and pull up some confidence to get by.

Oh, and you, I might need you, too. I am personally inviting you to cheer me on, spread the word, and help me find more love than shame for my journey.

Although I am really uncomfortable in my skin right now, I can’t forget how amazing this body is. It has run marathons and triathlons, it has climbed mountains and swam in beautiful waters. It has competed and won. It has survived disease and produced three healthy children. My body is a powerhouse of love, adventure and life.

I’m excited to be free and loving enough to focus on giving myself what I need to be healthy. I am so looking forward to a healthy life. An unencumbered life. Physical freedom. It’s such a lovely dream.

Thank you for your support and understanding. It means the world to me.

Give ‘Em Hell

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Heike says:

    You embody courage, you sweat bravery, and somehow, after all of this, you still breathe joy. You say things out loud that I have thought so far back in the corners of my mind that I could pretend they never even occurred to me. To say your heart is resilient is not enough – Every day, instead of choosing a pair of pretty new sandals with no scuffs, your heart reaches for the sneakers that you wore through all of this, the ones with blackened soles and mud up the back, the ones with one frayed lace you burned with a match you found so you could keep running, the ones that still smell like blood and victory. I think your heart knows what it’s doing better than all of the rest of us combined, and I think it will bring your body with it♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I LOVE Love Love this. Thank you, Heike.

      Like

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