FINAL NOTICE OF EVICTION
April 17, 2018
Pursuant to the Laws of Nature and Sanity, you are hereby given an eviction notice and notice to vacate the premises. You have occupied the property owned by your loving mother, her physical body, in excess of nine months without remuneration of any kind. On the grounds that you have currently exceeded the maximum tenancy threshold and for such other reasons as are more particularly outlined below, please be aware that this notice is a final warning and shall be effective immediately.
Since August, 2017 you and I have proceeded on an implied agreement that you may take up tenancy in my property as long as it was sustainable for both of us. (There is no written rental agreement existing between us as your inability to consent at the time of occupancy would have voided any such contract.) As such, we have proceeded on a month-to-month basis. I have been largely sympathetic to your needs as you have required the premises for your self-described “personal growth and development.” However, the burden of providing these services has been to my own detriment for several weeks now and this arrangement is no longer sustainable for me.
In addition, the modifications and demands you have placed on the property are considerable and I believe some of the damage is irreversible. A brief inspection of the property reveals the following:
- weakness and instability to the structure’s framework;
- damage to drains and pipes and other critical systems;
- warping and rotting as a result of water retention;
- a malfunctioning heating and cooling system, and
- an overall catastrophic strain on the entire property.
Your unauthorized expansion of the premises cannot be reasonably supported by the existing structure. As such, secondary and tertiary systems are undergoing significant daily damage at a rate that is likely to render the property permanently distressed. The time and effort required to rebuild the property is largely unknown but will definitely be long and arduous.
It is for the reasons set forth above that you are being asked to vacate the premises immediately. As a kindness, I have secured you temporary housing that should more than adequately meet your needs for the next 18 years. Food, utilities and general love and care will be provided to you in this substitute tenancy. However, please be aware that at the end of that term, you will once again be asked to vacate that property. You should plan to make arrangements for yourself and your personal belongings at that time.
While I expect this transition to be a bit jarring for you, I am confident you will succeed in your new life. As difficult as the circumstances surrounding your eviction and vacancy are, please know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. If you have questions, please feel free to contact me directly. I’ll be the one at the end of the bright light.
Give’ Em Hell