This won’t be a long post. It certainly won’t be perfect. I’ve shied away from writing lately because I feel like I need to create the perfect circumstances to tap into my creativity. Shockingly, that doesn’t really happen. So tonight I’m honoring the feeling and the moment just as natural and raw as they came to me.
Tonight, I’m thinking about how to coexist in my world. I am a person who is always reaching. I feel an obligation to the world to give, to create, to dream and explore. Since my diagnosis (or maybe because of it) I have felt the electricity inside me wanting to burst out in a spectacular explosion of light and energy. Facing my mortality brought things into real sharp focus, I guess. I have so much I still want to do. So much I want to be. The word “legacy” comes to mind. Will I leave this world better than I found it? What will be my enduring gift?
Carrying around the burden of my life’s legacy, while motivating, can also be a little distracting. If I’m always reaching and climbing toward what’s next, am I missing the moment I am in right now?
Of course, there isn’t a simple bright line answer to that question. Life doesn’t work that way. If it did, it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. Instead, I feel more like I’m going down the road bouncing back and forth between the guard rails that keep me from tumbling off the cliff.
Said another way, I am never in perfect balance, but I do know when to course correct away from disaster.
So begins a new experiment: learning to consciously pause. Cancer forced me to dial that urgency and drive back, and that was a good lesson. Now, I’m learning how to let myself be here, in this moment, enjoying how far I’ve come. I have to trust that the pause does not mean abandoning my goals and dreams. It just means I get to learn how to choose patience and serenity, and maybe even find some harmony with the spinning world around me.
Give ‘Em Hell