One could reasonably argue that I push too hard for things. I thought about this as I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling after my physical therapy exercises. Although my exercises are targeted at regaining range of motion in my shoulders, I winced at a sudden, sharp stabbing nerve pain run down my hip and leg. Somehow, while pushing my upper body, I hurt my lower body. Excellent. Not exactly unusual for the course of my life right now but still… it’s just perfect.

It has made me think about all the things that are going on in my life and how very little control I have over most of them. I’ve been holding on like hell, racked with worry and stress over things that are outside my dominion. It’s like trying to ice skate during an earth quake. It’s a whole lot of effort with very little effect and even less grace.

So somehow, some way, I’m going to have to release it. I’ve decided to analyze what is important to me, consider what my values are, and then make a list of the top five things that will get my attention. The rest is going to have to wait. I am going to tell myself that that is enough, that I am enough, and that life will be okay even if it looks markedly different than what I had in mind. I am turning to what I am able to still do even though it is absolutely true I am much more limited than I was a year ago. Perhaps that’s what a year of cancer has finally gifted me- the ability to not get all up in arms each time there is a setback.

For the things I am unable to do, and for the things that are out of my control, they no longer get to take up residence in my tired mind. That is what clarity came from some ceiling gazing. I know a lot of you are struggling with what is within your control and what isn’t and the feeling of being overwhelmed and defeated before you even start. I get that. Really, I do. My plan for now is to take things slowly, do what I can, and don’t let the negative space inform who I am and how I feel. 

Best of luck to you.

Give ‘Em Hell

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