I had drinks the other day with a friend of mine. She told me about her new business and how the other pieces of putting it together fell almost effortlessly into place. To me, it seemed the universe had basically consipired around her to see her dream, and a better life, rise up for her. A beautiful, brave new world is spinning at her fingertips and it is so awesome and refreshing to watch. I almost wanted to lean in to have some of her swirling good will brush off on to me. This beautiful, exciting adventure could not have happened to a better person. Which, of course, makes it that much more exciting to witness. Finally, I thought to myself, someone is getting what they deserve. And this girl? She deserves the best.

As happy as I was for her, and am embarrassed as I am to admit it, I felt a pang of jealousy while listening to her story. This takes nothing away from my complete and utter support I have for her as she begins her rise. Her battles were hard won and honestly it couldn’t have happened to a nicer, more deserving person. It was the way in which everything unfolded before her that gave me pause. It was as though life was sending her down the fast track of purpose and meaning. Things were working out for her and the universe was pushing her along the way. It made me think about what it means and how it might feel to fulfill my own purpose in this life

What makes me stop and think about her story is remembering the days in my own life were things were so much lighter than they are now. I may have walked through some doors myself recently, but it feels they are always placed at the top of a mountain precipitated by a narrow, death defying, slippery climb up while wearing a 200lb knapsack. It makes me wonder if I’m misplacing my efforts. Am I heading in the wrong direction? Is it hard because it isn’t what is intended for me? Perhaps this is the final lesson. I’ve been too afraid to stare down the reality that I may be doing this wrong. I am now on a journey to question even the most basic things to see what needs to be picked up, shaken out, or replaced compeletly. We will see what comes of it.For now, I feel a duty to the universe. I feel compelled to ask what my purpose here is. In what direction should I be headed? I need to look inward and upward for guidance. I need to actually look without judgment, without first saying, “I can’t do that because…” I need to be open, quiet and calm. Perhaps if I quell the fear and desperation long enough, the love and sincerity will bubble up and I’ll be able to capture it. That is my hope. Or perhaps better said, that is my intention. I am off now to create some space for my heart and mind to let the sun rise within me. 

Perhaps with these things as my guide, I will find my way home.
Give ‘Em Hell.