Today I cried. A lot. It was one of those days where you feel knocked down and torn apart by the people and things around you that used to provide comfort. It is the distortion of these things- the swing from one reality to another- that can be oh so painful. And today, that particular brand of pain caught up with me.
Life is fragile. We take that for granted most days. We forget (happily) how removed we are from life’s delicacy. And then suddenly it comes, thundering down on us. The balance we held and maintained crumbles. I crumbled under the weight of a thousand worries today, especially as I stacked them against my old life. Life before cancer. Before big risks. Back when I had all the tools and resources I needed to fight and overcome (especially considering that the battles were smaller and I was stronger). But now, I’m a special kind of strong. Rarer, more distilled. I have to ride out the storm most days until the winds shift or I adjust my sails and learn to surf the waves.
And it’s hard not to panic in the space in between the shift and acceptance. It’s sometimes hard to forge the strength to remind yourself that you are, in fact, okay. And that this, too, shall pass. I consistently get stuck on this because I can’t see over the horizon. I don’t know what the next step is, or how everything will work out, or that I will, in fact, be okay. And my crazy brain runs in circles trying to chase down the answer. And sometimes, irritatingly enough, the answer is that you just have to wait. And trust. And while I’m all for growth and courage and resilience, this constant trust fall thing really gets old sometimes…
So, I am working on the idea that my expectations for my reality may not match actual reality. I am working on gliding into the shifting winds with more grace and less grind. I am learning to shift my sails and adjust my perspective in the temperamental winds. Currently, I’m a mediocre sailor. Hopefully with time (and if history is any indication, I’m sure life will provide the practice) I will graduate to a more adept level. Today, I’m just glad I had the sense enough to get out of bed, go for a walk, and think about something other than my miserable disposition.
But fear not! I assure you, I will pull out of this soon. I get to see beloved family tomorrow night so I will ditch the self-pity routine before then. I will just fold up my little paper boat and push it out into the water, releasing all the expectations and frustrations with it. Sometimes, you just go where the wind takes you. And so I will, too…just after I finish this glass of wine.
Give ‘Em Hell.