When your oncologist gives you the option of cutting out of chemo and putting a nail in this dreaded coffin forever, you can imagine it’s tempting. I am two infusions from the end but the side effects of all the medications and toxic garbage that is spinning through my system is almost too much. Almost. But one thing you must factor in is that I am a Class A badass who just doesn’t give up.
So even though this is a chemical shit storm that is wreaking havoc on me, and even though I’m tired, and frankly, pretty sad today, I’m not giving up. Please don’t confuse that with some cool montagey battle cry. It’s not. It certainly doesn’t look like it either. It looks like someone who, when given the opportunity to quit and head back down the mountain, mostly just sat down on the trail, too tired to push onward, and too stubborn to quit.
As for the sadness, I am definitely sitting in the infusion area with tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this. Tears form because I feel like I have too much on my plate. They fall because I really miss my kids. I’ve been away from them a lot, and when I am around I’m mostly sleeping. I’ve never been so close to them and so very far away. On top of that, there is so much to do and nearly no energy to do it. It’s a helpless feeling, and we all know how I love to feel helpless.
But still, I’ve chosen to go on with the original recommended treatment plan because I need to know I did everything I could, and I know skipping two rounds of chemo would leave me wondering and worried later on. So I’ll pay now and bank some peace of mind for a rainy day in the future. It doesn’t feel strong, it doesn’t feel brave, it just feels like the right choice. And for now, that’s enough.
I am looking forward to this being behind me. For now, I’m going to just sit down and refuse to give up- waiting out the end, knowing it’s coming soon. I will make it. Somehow. Some way. Just watch me.
Give Em’ Hell.