When they said chemo would make me feel tired, I didn’t know what they meant. There’s lots of ways to feel tired. Tired like you are sleepy? Tired like you are physically fatigued? Tired like you are sick or worn down? Turns out, this kind of tired is a special blend of exaustion.
First, it slows down your thinking. It makes the synapses that normally rapidly fire to connect your thoughts turn sluggish and gluey. The thoughts and words are there but they kind of float around like clouds instead of the organized army of electric impulses. Sometimes you can pull them together with great effort, sometimes they are subject to a strong breeze that scatters them away. I get irritated with myself over the sheer amount of mental effort a conversation can take when I’m like this. It’s like being used to driving a Porsche and your suddenly driving a Prius. Thank God I can still get from Point A to Point B. I just can’t do it in sexy, blazing fast style anymore.
Ahhhh, humility my old friend. I almost forgot about you. Heavy sigh….
On top of that, my body is also grinding along at granny speed. Perhaps led in part by my muddled brain (who really doesn’t know or care where we are going) my body is not up for the adventure. I spent most of yesterday trying to to throw up. If I ate or drank anything or moved in bed, I was in jeopardy. So, by lying very very still and watching a lot of New Girl (Season 2- which is fantastic) I got through the night. The nausea was far less today and my appetite is slowly recovering. After lunch, I seemed to get a little energy back even. But mostly I feel like I took 3 Benadryl after running a marathon. There just isn’t much gas in the tank. I suppose that means the drugs are working, so cheers to that.
It will be interesting to see how this runs its course over the next few days. They say days 3-5 can be the worst. We shall soon see. If anyone can do it, I can. I’ll be okay and will just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stay with me.
Give em’ hell.