Some days, like today, when I finally have a moment alone I wonder to myself, “how on earth am I doing this?” I went to work at 8:00am and finished around 7:30pm. Even though I was busy all day I don’t feel like I accomplished much. It’s because everything I have to do right now is so time-consuming and is punctuated by near constant interruption of something else equally important demanding my attention.
It’s exhausting and frustrating.
To recap, I am 10 days into my cancer journey, 20 days into starting a new law firm, and a still trying to lovingly parent 2 children. My wonderful, patient husband sometimes needs deserves love and affection as well. I feel like I’ve always struggled with any one of the above. I am now trying to do it all and feeling enormous pressure to do it well.
That pressure comes from two places. On the one hand, cancer puts everything into perspective. You cherish the people you love, you start to need to take better care of yourself, you try to be more present and appreciative of the little things in life. You’re also moving in inches. Every day is a flood of information. A phone call or doctor’s appointment can suddenly jolt you in an entirely different direction. There is such monumental change in a matter of minutes, and then comes another and another and another. It’s like swimming in a storm in the middle of the ocean. Wave after wave crashes down on you. You grab a desperate breath right as you are being pushed under once again.
It’s pure survival.
On the other hand, through this storm life goes on. Even though you are hyper focused on the here and now, you also have to plan for the rest of your life. You don’t get to Zach Morris time out- although that would be so great right now…seriously.
Because of the crazy timing, I have spent all of my time in the past three weeks triaging emergencies that I completely lost touch with the big picture visionary I normally am. I have always had my head in the clouds. I dream big. I’ve always been a “why not?” kind of girl. That kind of attitude lets the whole world fold out in front of you. It’s exciting and satisfying to think about where my life could take me and I really liked my big picture, spare the details approach to life.
But now cancer is here to teach me some balance. I know right now I am awkward at this. I don’t shift easily between what is immediately in front of me and what the future will look like. I suppose for awhile I was afraid I would not have a future. The thought of dying and leaving behind children and a loving husband is so unbearably sad. I believe now that I will live. Still, I’m careful with that faith in case I have to sturdy myself against another threat. So I’m learning to transition between this life-saving doctor’s appointment and that life-sustaining work priority. Like I said, it’s awkward and hard to sort through, but I’m trying . Thank God for the beautiful people around me who are serving as my training wheels making sure this whole thing doesn’t go crashing into the neighbor’s bushes. (Yes, I did that and it hurt like hell!)
And so I’ll get comfortable being uncomfortable. I’m making mistakes, I can’t do it all, but as Elle said tonight as she dropped something on the floor, “That happened, it’s okay.” I can be good with that. A little more grace. A little more patience. A little more growth. Repeat after me: one. day. at. a. time.
Lots of love to you all. Be well, be kind, and give em’ hell.