365

My mind drifts back sometimes these days to a year ago. I mark the dates off in my head – this day I was out of surgery, I was in pain at hotel, I made it home to Montana, I was life-flighted to Seattle, I was enduring torture at the hospital, another day of hell…

The Chair

Things I’m learning as I sit: In a relationship, two halves do not make a whole. Broken does not mend broken. I want to believe there is good in the world – sometimes I do nice things for other people just to prove it to myself. You absolutely cannot give what you do not have….

Happy Birthday

This is the first birthday, the first year that will click over into the year I outlive her. I was holding onto 38 feeling like we had both at least made it that far. When I almost died from bleeding out in the hospital this April, a year and two weeks after she passed, it…

Allemande Left

Well, I wasn’t expecting this. I’ve been cared for and looked after by Tom for over five years as I ebb and flow from this medical peak or that depressive valley. I’m still fresh off my last stumble and fall from a surgery that turned into two surgeries and then sepsis. And yet, here we…

Again

It’s time to write again. The hurt, the triumphs, the work it takes to bridge the gap. It’s true, I’ve lived a melancholy life. I’m trying to do something different. My future has lied to me; it has hurt me, twisted me into mystifying, excruciating shapes. But I want to reclaim some land, some space…

Babe

I am known best for my authentic, vulnerable, soul-searching writing. That’s a fair assessment. But also, I sometimes take the shortcut. Like today. Today I want to be a babe. I want to feel like, and objectively earn, legitimate babe status. I’ve been walking the perimeter of the issue for awhile now, and I’m just…

Depression Is…

Depression is silent. Depression is trying desperately to cry out for something to hold on to but not being able to make a sound. It is the excruciating experience of not having the language to convey how much you are struggling. It is watching the divide between you and the ones you need grow wider…

On Being Small

I have spent my whole life working so hard trying to achieve the next highest rung on the ladder. Perpetually climbing, the rungs never stopped. I just kept pushing my body, my heart, my mind to go higher and higher. The last few months, risking death and having to fight for my life, the ladder…

Destination Unknown

I don’t recognize myself. I don’t know who I am in my career, I don’t know who I am in my marriage and I feel very, very lost. I do not have answers. I do not have direction. The only thing I am sure of is that there is too much on my plate and I don’t like how I feel most of the time.

Hurt People Hurt People

Nothing is the same without her. It hasn’t been normal. It’s so distressing to want to call and talk to the only person who could understand. I can’t talk about it. I can’t write about it here. Because as much as I hate what is being done to me, I love her more. As much…